Weekly Reader: Cloud Cover by Jeffrey Sotto; Deeply Realistic and Emotionally Challenging Novel of a Gay Man's Struggle with Bulimia and Search for Love

 

Weekly Reader: Cloud Cover by Jeffrey Sotto; Deeply Realistic and Emotionally Challenging Novel of a Gay Man's Struggle with Bulimia and Search for Love 

By Julie Sara Porter

Bookworm Reviews

Spoilers: According to the National Institute of Health, about one in three people struggling with eating disorders are male. However, there isn't as much focus on how the disorders affect men and boys. In the almost six years that I have reviewed this blog, I have only encountered two books featuring male characters with disorders. The first Lost Boy by Rawiri James featured a boy trying to overcome his mother's death by retreating into Anorexia Nervosa. However, it becomes misguidedly tied into a superhero subplot as a way to almost create a barrier between the Reader and the more serious subjects.

Cloud Cover by Jeffrey Sotto is the second book. It's a very realistic and deeply thought and felt novel about a gay man's struggles with bulimia as he pursues love for others and his own self-worth.

Tony is a 29 year old office worker/creative writing teacher who just broke up with his boyfriend. While giving writing advice to his students at a community college, listening to his favorite classical music pieces, trying to interpret his boss' "business"-ese, and clubbing with his friends, Tony is becoming dangerously concerned about his appearance and weight. 

He constantly counts calories on every bite. He runs straight to the bathroom after eating. He is obsessed with how he looks to other men and is afraid of being judged.

However, despite his insecurity, he actually does find a potential partner. Antonio is a painting instructor and drag performer. He astounds Tony with his charisma, charm, and outgoing fearless personality. But the more Tony starts to get to know Antonio, the more he continues to question his self-image and heads down destructive patterns. 

There is a lot of humor throughout but it is rooted in sarcasm and bitterness from Tony about his situation. While looking at potential dates, he sees an overwhelming amount of "guppies" gay yuppies who wear "suits like spandex." "They look like Ken dolls," Tony says warily, amazed that many of them are younger than him.

He also has a seriocomic conversation with his therapist in which he weighs the different types of men who turn off other men. Tony mentions that many of his acquaintances don't like other men who are too effeminate, overweight, or "too Asian" which Tony feels particularly singled out thinking that he checks all of those boxes.

One of the funniest running gags involves Tony and his boss, Jell-O. Jell-O is a veritable cornucopia of office cliches like "synergy," "outside the box thinking," and his favorite "quantify and cut." Tony's job appears to be translating Jell-O's requests and turning them into something useful. While these moments are hilarious, they also show that Tony is concerned about his employment situation and tries to be a good worker to make his life meaningful and useful.

He has stronger exchanges with his students showing that he has a skill for education but does not have the financial opportunity to do something that he is good at. He has to settle for an office job which does not make use of his best talents.

Like many do, Tony tries to overcome his loneliness with self-deprecating humor but the humor reveals more about his insecurities and inner thoughts than if he said them out loud. In taking a funny approach to sizing up himself to other gay men and revealing his disenchantment with his job, he reveals how harsh that he can be with his own self-criticism.

These insecurities of comparing himself to other men and discontent with work are part of what compels him to become bulimic. He can't always control what his boss tells him or how others feel about him, but he can control his weight. 

Tony's bulimia is he believes hidden from others but it is a central point in his life. Many nights out are filled with anguish as he debates how much he can eat before he rushes to a toilet. It's wrenching to read about his conflicting emotions between sitting and eating something without worrying how many calories it is and counting the seconds until he can go home to purge. The conflict between obsession and self-love is very real.

Tony and Antonio embark on a loving relationship which could be a healing factor and it is for a time. Tony is drawn to and maybe somewhat envious of Antonio's self confidence and daring. Antonio can wear drag and turn life into a performance. He can even participate in a pageant and put himself forward. Tony loves that about him, but is also wary of it too. 

Antonio is a supportive boyfriend. When he discovers Tony's illness, he tries to get him help. But the kinder Antonio is, the more self-conscious Tony feels. He feels that someone like him doesn't deserve love.

Even the end is painted with reality. It's not a complete downer but it suggests that more work needs to be done. As much as Tony grows to love Antonio, this relationship is not the cure. Antonio is not the cure for ending Tony's bulimia. Tony is the cure for ending Tony's bulimia. To do that, he needs to look at, accept, and love himself first.