New Book Alert: The Bipolar Addict: Drinks, Drugs, Delirium, and Why Sober is the New Cool by Connor Bezane; Memoir Explores The Difficulties Of Drug Addiction and Mental Illness
By Julie Sara Porter
Bookworm Reviews
Spoilers: One thing that I learned in reviewing various drug addiction and mental illness memoirs for this blog and other sources is that every experience is different or at least their books are different. Some focus on the causes and why they turned to drugs or realized that they thought differently than others. Others are more interested in the wider scope of not only their addiction and illness, but the crisis in general giving statistics on when the crisis started and what can be done to curtail it. Other authors take a middle road by telling their stories and those of others to reveal that addiction and mental illness isn't just their problem. It could be anybody's.
Connor Bezane takes that approach in his book, The Bipolar Addict: Drinks, Drugs, Delirium and Why Sober is the New Cool. He tells the story of his addiction and experience with Bipolar Disorder. Then he turns his book outward and explores the journeys of five other people who had experiences with addiction and mental illness. In this approach, he reveals that this wasn't just a struggle that affected him. Others were also in similar situations making their struggles more personal and at the same time widening the scope to affect the society at large.
Bezane writes that his first experimentation with alcohol and drugs in 2009 was different from other “normies” (the term that he and his fellow mentally ill colleagues refer to the “chemically stable members of society.”). Amphetamines and Barbiturates produced the exact opposite effects from each other: “Uppers brought (him) down and downers brought (him) up.” While crack cocaine usually produces euphoria, Bezane likened it to a soft core lullaby. Heroin also had a soothing effect on him. Bezane admitted that he took them to shut off his problems or so he thought.
The difference didn't just lay within how the drugs affected Bezane, but what caused his addiction.
Unlike other mental illness/addiction memoirs like Erin Khar's Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies I Told Myself, there weren't any specific triggers such as parental divorce, early sexual abuse, or low self-esteem which led to Bezane’s descent. Mental illness and addiction can appear to anyone and don't always need the trauma of a troubled childhood to affect somebody and Bezane's book shows that.
Bezane's childhood was a relatively peaceful supportive one in a middle class neighborhood near Lincoln Park, North Chicago with a PR Executive mother and a stay-at-home father. Most of his memories centered around music like dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller or watching Flashdance and Footloose with his sister. He liked to dance and even though he was teased at school for being a nerd, the kids admired his skills on the dance floor.
His idyllic childhood was marred when an encounter with a bullying teacher led Bezane to his first anxiety attack. He also began to panic when it came to taking tests resulting in him being unable to complete the track for the advanced class even though he would have aced it.
Depression afflicted Bezane when he received a D on an essay on Great Expectations. Many other incidents throughout his school career increased his depression when in his younger years, he felt more resilient towards disappointment.
Bezane's early experience with anxiety shows how those emotions can erupt instantly and even a word of criticism from a teacher, bullying from students or authority figures, or nervousness on a test can lead to years of crippling tension and self-doubt.
Bezane describes the symptoms of mental illness perfectly. For example, he describes the physical symptoms of anxiety such as the tight constricted chest, sweating palms, and labored breathing clearly. The psychological symptoms such as replaying a negative comment over and over in one's head, having pessimistic thoughts about oneself, and withdrawing from situations that produce the anxious feelings, are also well-written.
The book doesn't just deal with Bezane's battles with alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness. He also describes his interest in music and gift for writing which helped give him solace and allowed him to become a part of a wider and rapidly changing world.
In high school, Bezane found solace from the mental illness that he had but didn't understand in the punk scene. He wrote about going to clubs to see bands like Screeching Weasel and Oblivion with “freaky” friends rich with names like Roxie Stardust and eccentric behaviors like putting Elmer's Glue in their hair so it would stay up. With punk music, Bezane felt the friendship and emotional connections that his mental illness deprived him from and he felt acceptance with a group of eccentric friends with similar interests.
Unfortunately the punk scene also became an early factor for Bezane's alcoholism. He experimented with alcohol and marijuana to combat his reserve and shyness. Unfortunately, the alcohol proved to be a bigger crutch as it became a habit and later, an addiction. It also aggravated and increased his mental illness symptoms.
Bezane attended Iowa State in the late ‘90’s. He went to various concerts, became the Arts and Entertainment Editor at the student newspaper, and had many friends who introduced him to various musical acts. One memorable passage describes Bezane attending a rave at a cornfield in Iowa, watching the lights illuminated the area, and listening to the music that djs spun.
However, Bezane's binge drinking increased to the point that when he studied abroad in Spain, the landlady with whom he stayed told him not to drink too much. (“I'm a heavy drinker even by Spanish standards,” he admitted.) It was also in Spain that he began to take hashish.
Bezane had concerns about his sexuality which played into the insecurities that came with his mental illnesses. While he dated a girl, he felt guilty that he led her on while coming to terms with his homosexuality. He later developed a crush on a male roommate but was uncertain how to pursue him. His sexual concerns added to his dependence on alcohol as well as his anxiety, depression, and bipolar.
Bezane graduated and moved to New York City where he edited city pages for AOL, at the same time as 9/11. While he drank to cope with the tragedy, his depression was in check since he shared those feelings with others. He walked through a silent city that was empty in its grief.
However in New York, Bezane also felt a sense of acceptance and place among the Bohemian hipster scene that inhabited the artsy areas in Brooklyn and felt more comfortable with his sexuality as he received his first boyfriend.
However, he had his first bout of hypomania while on the dance floor. He felt an intense sense of elation and lost all sense of time and place.
Bezane eventually received his dream job working at MTV as a researcher, fact checker, and eventually producer. He interviewed groups like the Beastie Boys, attended musical events like Lollapalooza, and researched topical issues such as a profile on former students of Columbine High School on the fifth anniversary of the shootings.
This dream job didn't last.
Bezane's alcoholism and undiagnosed mental illnesses escalated to the point that in 2007 during a live Q&A session with then-Presidential hopeful, John McCain, Bezane had a full-blown panic attack. He was prescribed Prozac, but instead Bezane's mania was triggered.
His mania manifested itself in various ways such as an overly gregarious nature, overstimulated senses, compulsive shopping, insomnia, and constant elation. The elation gave way to paranoia as Bezane hallucinated terrifying voices and his thoughts raced at an accelerated speed. The symptoms of mania are frightening as Bezane described going from feeling a sense of friendliness towards the people in Times Square to become paranoid and afraid of them within a few days. The setting was the same. What changed was Bezane's mental state.
Bezane's behavior at work became increasingly erratic as he created elaborate ideas such as a blog dedicated to his own postings and promoting a band, The Teenagers believing that the group spoke directly to him. He constantly bothered his friends on social media and frightened his boyfriend, Chris, with his increased exuberant behavior. Chris forced him to see a psychiatrist.
As with bipolar, elation is followed by a crashing depression and Bezane crashed hard. He cried uncontrollably and stayed in bed in despair. After suffering a meltdown at work, Bezane admitted that he was bipolar and a colleague suggested that he get help. He was put on medical leave for an indeterminate amount of time.
During his leave, Bezane confessed his troubles to a friend. The description is moving as he describes the serenity he felt when that friend talked to him with understanding and support. This passage reveals how much an understanding ear can mean to someone with a mental illness. That person may not give advice, but just being there and lending support without judgement is enough.
Bezane returned to work at MTV but the mania and depression continued. He was prescribed various anti psychotics and depressants and began stockpiling them. During the Great Recession, he was laid off from MTV and he and Chris broke up shortly afterwards.
Depressed, Bezane drank heavily once more going from one to two or three packs a day and isolated himself from friends. His anxious state interfered with his temporary job interviewing Robert DeNiro and other red carpet celebrities for the Tribeca Film Festival. He knew that he was a mess.
In 2009, Bezane met Jeffrey, a rugby player who invited him to various events that involved, you guessed it, drinking. Because of their different political views: Bezane is a Democrat, Jeffrey a Republican, the two erupted into loud explosive drunken political fights. Rather than have sex with Jeffrey, Bezane enjoyed the drinking with him. He also took prescription pills and began taking harder drugs like crack cocaine and heroin. During one violent argument with Jeffrey, Bezane contemplated suicide. He called the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Even though, he still doesn't remember the content of the call, he thanked the Hotline for saving his life “on more than one occasion.”
In 2012, Bezane attempted suicide right before a scheduled family meeting which he realized was an intervention. The intervention is tear jerking as Bezane's parents and sister revealed how much Bezane's addictions affected his relationship with them and his therapist stuck to the lies that he told her during their sessions when he minimized his drinking. After the intervention, Bezane had a beer and lit up a crack pipe.
This passage reveals a sad truth that people don't always seek help during an intervention. Sometimes, the opposite happens and that they feel like others are ganging up on them so they refuse to seek the help they sorely need. Ultimately, the decision to seek help lies with the addict and no one else.
For Bezane, that decision came about when his sister told him that either he goes to rehab or he never sees her son, his nephew, again. Bezane who had bonded with the boy and vowed to teach him about rock’n’roll, agreed to go to Hazelden.
While in Hazelden, Bezane bonded with fellow addicts, read various self-help books, engaged in therapy, and began to get a better cleaner outlook. Many of his new friends came from different walks of life and would have had very little in common with Bezane except they all were there to break the cycles of their addictions. They shared various war stories such as missing their drink of choice and recapturing interests such as in Bezane's case, his love for music.
Bezane also became aware of division within the rehab community. AA for a long time had a “no mood stabilizers” policy. Some members looked down upon those who rely on such medication for their mental illnesses. They think those who take them, like Bezane, are not truly clean and are still in the grips of their addictions. In Bezane's case, he had to be cut off of Xanax which finally worked to stabilize his moods.
Bezane also recalled many other patients who relapsed or disobeyed rehab regulations. This book shows that while rehab is helpful, it can be very restrictive and some rules can be harmful to some trying to recover and sometimes those trying to recover fall short of the promises.
In his final session, Bezane gave a speech set to instrumental music in which he revealed all his secrets to the group. He prayed to Apollo, the God of Music, thanking him for being a huge part of his life and recognizing the best in him.
In 2015, after three years of sobriety and being supported by his parents, Bezane re-entered the workforce. He had a few humorous experiences at Faziano's, a high end grocery store where he worked as a bagger and lot captain. Bezane's's chapter describing his eternal war with the Musack piped into the grocery store will arouse the sympathy of even the slightest music aficionado. His time working at Faziano's's bakery is sweet as he recalled the connections that he made with the customers most of whom were in good moods because they were there to treat themselves.
Bezane eventually returned to writing and developed TheBipolarAddict.com, a blog that allows him to communicate with other people about their struggles with mental illness and addiction. He offers advice and support, with others who struggle with these issues. He is closer to his family and is dating. He still struggles with bipolar, but he is trying to work around it.
The Bipolar Addict tells not only Bezane's story, but those of five other people whom Bezane calls “The Eccentrics” who shared their own struggles with mental illness and addiction. Like Bezane's account, their stories are different but all carry the same emotional feelings when a person can't trust their own mind and the work that it takes to get through these hardships.
These stories are from real interviews Bezane conducted with people like him who were dually diagnosed with mental illness and drug/alcohol addictions. They are unforgettable and include:
Jason a con artist who printed cards boasting of his phony title as President of Chase Bank so he could receive money to support his cocaine and heroin addiction. Besides enjoying the thrill of conning people, Jason attributed his devious nature to hypomania. He had trouble concentrating and his excitable fast talking behavior was often a detriment in work and relationships. His coke benders made him unemployable.
Jason became involved in various fraud schemes such as getting money for his nonexistent wife. After he stole crack and heroin from a drug dealer, he was arrested and sent to County Jail. He went into forced detox. He has since found religion, works in sales, and got engaged.
Kelly is an actress who had a nervous breakdown, Anorexia and was addicted to crystal meth and hallucinogens. She was a creative student, perfectionist, and overachiever. An accident in 8th grade caused her to have PTSD and she hid her depression behind a sunny nature.
In high school, Kelly had a nervous breakdown. In college, she took cocaine, hallucinogens, and crystal meth and developed anorexia and self-injury. After she graduated, she got a part in a James Barrie play and was sober throughout the run. When the play ended, Kelly fell back into her old habits and had symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
She attempted suicide twice and had paranoid delusions that required hospitalization. She eventually enrolled in a dual recovery program that helped her recover. She is studying to be an addictions counselor but still feels sad and unfulfilled and wants to reconnect to art and acting.
Ethan was high on ketamine and in a manic state when police found him trying to use a college press pass to board a flight to Buenos Aires. He had a wealthy but highly competitive background. During his sophomore year, Ethan was diagnosed with bipolar and given lithium and Prozac. He began drinking vodka tonics while in high school. His drinking escalated when he attended Harvard. He also started taking cocaine. While working at Let's Go Italy, Ethan partied at gay clubs, frequented one night stands,drank, and took drugs nearly every night.
By the end of his second year of college, Ethan's drug use included ketamine, ecstasy, crack, heroin, and various hallucinogens including acid, mescaline, mushrooms, and salvia.
He eventually tried to take a year off from work, school, and his drug use and drinking and moved...to New York's East Village where drugs were easy to get.
After graduating from Harvard, Ethan moved to Europe and took speedballs. Since Ethan traveled, he didn't have a steady dealer and managed to temporarily get off drugs but still drank and his mania continued. Eventually, he moved to San Francisco where the police arrested him when he tried to leave for Buenos Aires. The forced rehab didn't take and he eventually checked into Hazelden in Chicago. There he also tested positive for HIV.
The diagnosis shook him to permanent sobriety. He now majors in English Literature at Yale and hopes to become a teacher.
Jennifer is a clarinetist who, like Bezane, found solace from her anxiety and depression in music. She began playing band in fourth grade and four years later fell in love with classical music. Later her musical interests included punk music.However, she had a rough childhood including being raped by her father. This incident resulted in PTSD.
During her freshman year of high school, Jennifer developed depression that developed into paranoia and a mixed state including mania and depression. She had increasing suicidal thoughts and during her senior year tried marijuana to cope with her mental illness.
After she turned 21, Jennifer binge drank. She also took acid and mushrooms with a boyfriend. She moved onto harder drugs in 2004 and drank with her coworkers at an insurance company. Ultimately, she moved on to cocaine and OxyContin.The mania gave her delusions that she was on a TV show and led her to compulsive shopping.
Jennifer had a stormy marriage to a drug dealer who verbally and physically abused her as well as got her addicted to crack. After throwing him out for good, Jennifer went into rehab and got her bipolar diagnosis. After she recovered, she returned to her old friend: the clarinet.
Natalya is a dancer fascinated with Electronic Dance Music. She was born in Soviet-era Belarus. She was physically and verbally abused by her brother, her parents constantly fought, and she was molested by her cousins.
Her family became victimized by anti-Semitism and they eventually emigrated to the United States. Natalya felt like an outsider attending American schools in Chicago and developed symptoms of hypersensitivity. She was taunted and bullied and she eventually developed a poor body image. She sneaked out to clubs with friends and began drinking. At 16, she developed anorexia and bulimia. She also feared her brother who had Schizoaffective Disorder and threatened to kill her and their parents. Her brother was eventually hospitalized.
In 2002, a breakup with a boyfriend caused Natalya to binge drink. She had her first manic episode shortly thereafter. After, a long episode of insomnia, suicidal threats, and aimless wandering, Natalya checked herself into a psychiatric hospital.
While attending Columbia University Chicago as a marketing major, Natalya began using drugs and intensified her drinking. She also relapsed on her bulimia and began cutting.
She got a marketing job upon graduation that ended when colleagues smelled alcohol on her breath and saw the scars on her arms from the cutting. She attempted suicide by popping 400 pills. She was sent to the psychiatric ward where she attended AA. Afterwards, she had a series of rehabs followed by relapses. Finally, she entered rehab for the final time and she has been sober for three years. Natalya now works for a major credit card company and dances to hip hop and EDM at the trendiest clubs. She is also married and has a daughter.
The stories of Connor Bezane, Jason, Kelly, Ethan, Jennifer, and Natalya reveal the wide scope that mental illness and addiction can cover. They can affect anyone at any age or background. The journey through mental illness and addiction can be a dark and frightening one.
But these stories also reveal that recovery is possible and there can be light found at the end of this dark journey.
